11/27/2012

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Last Tuesday I had a client spend a good part of her session talking about, none other than, mashed potatoes. She had been rushing all morning preparing for her Thanksgiving meal; she created a schedule down to the minute which allowed for one hour to slip into a therapy appointment. These in-laws are coming, those siblings are bringing this and that and she was trying to get things in order. She had a faint memory of her mother telling her that one type of potato was better than another for the perfect mash, but she didn't remember which was that "right" potato. She had boiled them, drained them and begun to mash them as her husband entered the kitchen to see why she was uttering profanity at the potatoes.

As we dissected the stress, the emotions, and the mashed potatoes it became clear that the whirlwind of anxiety was not really about the potatoes, but about her relationship with her mother, perceptions of family expectations and feelings of inadequacy. As she finished the session, my client's parting words were "I am so glad I didn't skip this week. I didn't think I'd have time to come in, but this was a well-spent hour."

So often we project our inner inadequacies and stress onto the minutiae of our day. I can't imagine that road rage during the 5:00 rush hour doesn't have something to do with a lousy day at the office or a nasty boss. I think about all the craziness at the mall over the next few weeks and wonder about people searching for the perfect gift to heal a relationship or calm a turbulent family situation.

The holidays have arrived. The Salvation Army folks have been ringing their bells for weeks at the Giant, wreaths are up and the endless soundtrack of Christmas music is on every radio station. Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Years are upon us. If you are feeling overly stressed; pause. Take a deep breath. Think about your last interaction or thought. Was it the phone call from your spouse or the nastygram from you teenager? We are so accustomed to swallowing our emotions and having them erupt at the dinner table or the pot of mashed potatoes that we often don't even realize we are upset until it is too late.

As my client said "it was an hour well spent". If you are thinking that your own potatoes are about to boil over, consider giving yourself the gift of "an hour well spent". I don't think you will regret it.

Happy December-ing

11/19/2012

5 Comments

Is it trite to write about Thanksgiving on the Monday before Thanksgiving? Oh, what the heck. I have so much for which to be thankful, it's a nice reminder to pause and reflect on my blessings.

Where to start? So often we take our health for granted until we get "the call" that something is wrong. I am so grateful for my health and that of my loved ones. We have had our bumps in the road, but thank G-d, for today, we are well and strong and continue to laugh.

I am thankful for my family and friends, for the wonderful community in which I live, and for the opportunity to do this special work that I get to do every day. I am truly cognizant of how fortunate I am to love my job. I know many people who dislike their jobs and dread having to devote so much of their lives to something that makes them unhappy.

That felt nice. Stopping to be mindful of the wonderful things that surround me on a daily basis.

On to Thursday. Or Wednesday or whenever you begin the preparations for the holiday, which for some may have begun way before this week (or month). I have one friend that literally has a spreadsheet for her Thanksgiving prep and meal and another friend that has been posting her daily tasks on Facebook throughout the week to include laundering the napkins and washing the crystal by hand. Oy! How have we, as a society, taken this idea of a peaceful day of thanks and turned it into bumper to bumper traffic, ridiculous lines at the airport, insanity at the grocery store, overstuffed bellies and NOW the impetus to run around the mall at all hours of the night before the dishes are done?

I can't really answer that broad inquiry with any semblance of intelligence, but I thought it was a good question. What I can bring to your attention is the family dynamics surrounding the turkey and mashed potatoes. I have often shared with my clients that what we see on tv on the gravy commercial with the happy intact family all clean, thin, coiffed and usually, White, is not a real Thanksgiving. That is the made-up dinner table with people getting paid to look the part and sell gravy.

Issues anyone?
What my clients, my friends and I experience is real life. Sullen teens, angry great-uncles, families running from one house to the next to meet the in-law's expectations or kids at one parents' table on Thanksgiving only to repeat the meal on Friday due to a custody arrangement. We also see multi-racial family gatherings, same sexed parents celebrating with extended families (I dare you, gravy commercial, to portray that family) and laughter and yelling and tears and joy. This, my friends, is Thanksgiving: American style.

Gravy commercial humor aside, Thanksgiving can be stressful for many. As wonderful as it can be to gather amongst family, age-old wounds can surface; hurts, tensions and emotions may run awry, especially after a few glasses of wine. I encourage my clients to be mindful of triggers and use self-care when necessary. Sometimes a simple time-out from an overbearing relative can maintain one's inner peace; excuse yourself from the table, take a walk, check on the kids, or just take some deep breaths.

I have talked about boundaries in an earlier post and encourage you to click the link for a refresher. There is nothing more important than setting firm boundaries. When you are respecting your wishes and desires and standing by them, those around you will begin to follow suit and subsequently also respect your boundaries. It can be difficult and frightening to say "no" when it is a new behavior, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or rock the boat; "thanks mom, but no thank you, I don't want a second piece of pie even though I know how hard you worked on it", or "I am exhausted from all the cooking, so I am going to rest a bit while the rest of you clean up the dishes".

Change is hard and many of us haven't been taught to be mindful of our own needs, set boundaries and take care of ourselves. I can promise you that once we begin to take these essential steps of self-care, we will more readily be able to give thanks on Thanksgiving day.

Happy and healthy (both physically and emotionally) Thanksgiving to all

11/6/2012

4 Comments

Let’s talk sports. No, not how the Redskins are doing (or Patriots or Steelers or anyone else that you guys are rooting for every weekend); our kids' sports, that is. This goes out to the soccer moms (softball, lacrosse, hockey, dance, pick any activity that works for you).

This post popped into my head when I was driving back from Fredericksburg last weekend, or was it Charlottesville the week before, maybe it was Annandale the week before that? As a die hard soccer mom, I have put several hundred miles on my soccer mom van to and from infinite amounts of soccer games (and practices and tournaments). I was watching these freshman boys the other day and smiling inside with not a doubt in my mind as to why I do all of this shlepping. I love watching these boys on the field, improving their soccer skills and growing together as a team. I love listening to 3-4 of them in the back of my van (smell aside, man do those shin guards STINK) laughing and joking and blasting their music through the Toyota's sound system. And, it is so much fun to be at the adult table at Chic Filet or Steak and Shake (clearly I was not consulted on restaurant choices) after a game and hearing the craziness coming from the boys on the other side of the room.

Serious players
This team was formed when these boys began sixth grade, but many of them had been playing together since they were little dudes in second or third grade. There have been kids who have left the team and each season a couple of new players join, but as a whole the team is a strong and unified bunch. There are two coaches who command respect (sometimes fear after a poorly played match) and discipline, but who also play with them harder than any adults that I have ever seen. The boys admire the coaches as well as have fun and joke with them. I am grateful to be part of a team that works so nicely together: the players, the coaches and the parents. We have had our growing pains, but have settled into a nice rhythm where the team is thriving.

What is it about being on a sports team that is so special? For one, it is keeps kids busy, out of trouble and active. Most educators and professionals espouse the value of sports for exactly those reasons. I have seen with my clients (and my own kids) that having practice on a regular basis keeps them more diligent and consistent with their schoolwork. Just last week a teenage client was telling me that when she doesn’t have practice she is more apt to waste away the afternoon by napping or watching tv and not start her homework until later in the evening. She said when she has practice it forces her to focus on her homework and get it done in a timely manner.

Another valuable part to being on a team is that kids learn to work together. Many students complain about group projects that they have in school. They find them annoying and difficult to orchestrate; who does which task, this one is slacking, it’s not fair that I do all the work. Input a team sport. The kids need to work together to achieve the goal (and literally a GOAL). They work at passing the ball, sharing the play and communicating both verbally and non-verbally. Players have to think ahead, strategize and be synchronized with their fellow team mate to anticipate the next move. There is little complaining about this kind of "group project" even though it hones in on the same skills as those projects that are assigned in school.

There seems to be little drama with these teenage boys. They are boys. They act differently than adolescent girls. They grab a ball and play. They rarely pay attention to how they look, how they smell or how their hair falls when on the soccer field. I have noted that some of the more quiet boys hang on the fringes of the clowning around antics, but overall the boys appear to act as a unit both on the field and off.

I believe that the bonding experience that the team provides for these boys (or any boys for that matter) is invaluable. They don’t all go to school together, yet they are together at least four times a week. There is a consistency to their gathering that is very healthy. The therapist in me isn’t pretending that the boys are sharing their deepest emotions with one another, or even letting a teammate know if they are struggling in some way, but the fact that they have these bonds and know that their teammate has their back should be reassuring to them whether they would recognize it or not.

As the team continues to develop and mature together both as players and young men, my hope is that they continue to learn, appreciate one another and most importantly, HAVE FUN

10/31/2012

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While I was fiddling with something blog related on my laptop, my son asked me "Who is your audience?" I paused, I hadn't thought about this in a while and answered "I don't know."

Who are you people that read these words? these sometimes silly, sometimes helpful and sometimes thoughtful or profound words?

When I started this blog, it was for marketing purposes. I linked it to my website and hoped that a potential client might read a post and think "I like what she has to say, I think we would be a good fit." I try to give the client a sense of what a therapy session with me would feel like; my approach, my style and my humor. I want a client to feel safe and supported and I hope that I convey that through my blog posts.

Linking my posts to both my professional and personal Facebook pages gave me some more exposure. Unbeknownst to me, people other than my mom and my friend, Shaniqua (pseudonym for confidentiality purposes), have been reading the posts. A friend from college reached out after one of my earlier posts and commented about how much she enjoyed reading the blog. She asked how she could be notified when a new post was written and not risk missing it on Facebook. I played around with the blog settings so that she would receive email notifications each time a new post was published (I am so technologically challenged that simply knowing the word "settings" gives me a little thrill, the fact that I can actually adjust them has got me believing that I am a full on techie genius). My audience had thus became my mom, Shaniqua and my college friend.

Slowly, more feedback from various friends on my Facebook page began filtering back my way. I was thrilled to learn that people were not only reading the posts, but relating to them as well. Neighbors, moms from my daughter's school, acquaintances from the community would let me know that something I had said was helpful, or that they could relate to whatever parenting calamity I was ranting about in a given post. I was recently at a networking meeting of one of my therapist groups. About ten women gathered at Einstein Bagel in Fairfax to network and discuss therapy related topics. During the meeting, a colleague introduced me and said, "Have you read her blog? It's great". I later got a call from one of the women from that meeting asking advice from someone who "excels in social media". Once I clarified that she had, in fact, intended to call me, I told her I was honored to help in whatever way I could (high-fiving myself about my new techie genius status).

I also started sharing blog posts on a professional group's Facebook page. This page is viewed by therapists all around the Metro DC area; we exchange referrals, post articles of interest, and discuss topics pertaining to our clinical work . My hope is that my colleagues can get a sense of my work via my blog and will feel comfortable referring clients to me that they see as a good fit for my practice.

I have a little secret: I am finding that I enjoy this writing. I sit for hours seeking the right word or trying to make a sentence be meaningful. It is only when I realize that a child for whom I am legally responsible might need some dinner that I pull myself away from the keyboard and return to manic mom. As I write, I am able to carefully put words to what has become automatic in my therapeutic work. I retell a story about educating a parent on how to set firm limits with his angry teen or I disclose how I replace strength and esteem back into a woman whose spirit has been beaten down. This process is showing me how far I have come in this work; how my skills have improved and matured and how I continue to develop as a therapist. My growth as a clinician enables me to nurture and heal my clients, heal them to grow into the people that they aspire to be.

To answer my son's question I have realized that my audience is wide and varied. My audience consists of friends, family (mom, at least), clients, colleagues and, honestly, ME, a lot of this is just for ME.

0/28/2012

8 Comments

Girlfriends can be a lifeline for many women. We seek out our girlfriends when we need advice on anything from parenting to shoes, when we need a shoulder to cry on or confirmation that the men in our lives are being jerks. Our friends are there to listen to us vent or to make us laugh until our stomach hurts. Our girlfriends provide us with support, validation and good times.

Many of us have friends from different times in our lives. Childhood friends that still remember us in pigtails and call us by our maiden names; several friends from my old stomping ground in Boston draw a blank when hearing about this Laurie “Levine” person (people, it’s been over 20 years). We have college friends, friends that we made at work, in the neighborhood or through our children. The first time I was called “Adam L’s mom” by a pre-schooler and his mom, I knew that I was in foreign territory.

I work with many women who talk about their friendships during therapy sessions. They have been hurt or slighted or angered by their friend and choose to examine their emotional reaction to the interaction in this safe and non-judgmental environment. It is not uncommon for women to struggle with the old feelings that many of us had as youngsters; “where do I fit in?”, “am I cool/thin/smart/rich/fill-in-the-blank enough?” Why do we as women continue to doubt ourselves in our friendships and in our relationships with other women?

A common question that I ask all clients upon the intake and assessment process is who is their support network: where are your people? I am saddened to say that there are women who report to not having a support network. Sometimes they blame it on work, or being busy or sometimes they simply don’t desire a social circle. But, often their isolation is due to shyness, depression or not knowing where or how to find a friend. Together we discuss what they would like in a friend, how they would go about finding a friend and why they think it is so hard to open up and make a friend.

I have had other women clients talk about friendships ending, like a “break up” with a boyfriend. I conceptualize this cooling off period in a friendship like a couple that separates; after years of having sex with this partner, it’s hard to go back to holding hands. There isn’t a term for the ‘break up’ with our women friendships: we drifted?, parted ways? It can be awkward, uncomfortable and extremely painful. Life transitions are a traditional time of shifting friendships: a marriage, the birth of a child or a divorce or death of a spouse. We tend to befriend those with similar lifestyles; the mommies in playgroup or the empty-nesters that travel together.

Sometimes though, the ending of a friendship can be more personal such as a disagreement that can't be resolved or when one feels that her needs in the relationship are not being met and she needs to extricate herself from the friendship as an act of self-care. I have a client that says she “leaves friendship corpses in her wake”. She worries about fluctuating friendships and what that says about herself as a friend. We have talked about what a healthy friendship looks like, how she can get her needs met and how to set boundaries when appropriate. We have also practiced conflict resolution in therapy sessions. She has successfully negotiated some difficult relationships after talking it through in therapy. This helped her gain the skills and confidence to approach an important friend and honestly share her concerns about the conflict at hand. (Needless to say, I am very proud of this client who may or may not be reading this post.)

Another client has talked to me about feeling like a third wheel. She tears up as she tells me about her very close friend that she introduced to another of her good friends because she thought they would hit it off. They hit it off so well, that they buddied up to the exclusion of my client. They vacation together and text daily and when my client joins them for lunch, she feels excluded and left out. The heartbreak is palpable. My client is sad and resentful; something many women feel when enduring the pain of losing a friend.

Many of us have witnessed our kids, particularly daughters endure this kind of pain. We expect this kind of behavior in children, pre-teens and teens. The reality is that it happens with adults as well. Many of us carry old wounds and vulnerabilities into our adult friendships. What pushed our buttons in 8th grade, if not healthily resolved, is going to be promptly reignited as an adult. The hope is that we have matured and worked through our decades old insecurities of adolescence, but there are some wounds that hover longer and reach deeper than others. Having constantly been the shy girl that doesn’t know how to reach out can rear its ugly head at the PTA meeting or that loud girl with no filter may continue to offend her friends at the office.

I cherish my friends. I know I have made mistakes and I work hard at righting my wrongs and working through difficult times no matter how painful or awkward because I honestly know that I can not make it in this wacky world without my friends. I hope that you, too, have enjoyed this gift of friendship: the joy, the fulfillment and the laughter

10/16/2012

2 Comments

8 couples

21 Kids

25 years

We adults met in college. 6 of us married from within, the others added spouses from other learning institutions around the nation. We went on to graduate school, jobs and establishing roots in our respective communities in New York, New Jersey, Virginia, Atlanta and Texas.

Early on we bonded through weekend gatherings or long phone calls on telephones tethered to a wall. A decade later there was reconnecting via Facebook, sending emails and attempts at texts (once our kids taught us how). There seemed to be a wedding, a reunion or a bris every few years to gather bits and pieces of us together.

We congregated this past weekend in New York for one of the offspring Bar Mitzvahs. After many years and several states separating us, within seconds of the first hug it was like we were back in the dorm, teasing, laughing and enjoying our college family that has multiplied in size and deepened in closeness over time.

The 21 kids range in ages from 17 to 2 years old (yes, some of us started later than others) including a set of triplets from Texas and a pair of twins living in New York. Most of the parents are lawyers (birds of a feather?), but we mix it up with some doctors, a nurse, a financial planner and of course, yours truly, therapist extraordinaire. Some of the kids know each other better than others due to either vacationing together or because they live in closer proximity to one another, but none of the families reside in the same community. The New York contingency has a traditional Friday of Thanksgiving outing where whoever is in town gets together for a day in the city. We Virginia folk often host our Brooklyn compadres during winter break.

What typically happens at these big parties, like this weekend’s Bar Mitzvah, is we pile the kids in a room together with chips and a Playstation after the celebratory event at the host’s home. They play and talk and resort to the same ridiculous banter that their fathers did 20 years ago. We adults reminisce, enjoy our traditional New York delicacies of pizza and cannoli and continue to catch up and harass the kids.

The relationships between the adults and kids are unique; we are family, all comfortable and familiar. All of the parents are referred to by their first names and the kids become one big collective unit. I often find myself barking orders at any random minor to clean up his or her mess as readily as I lay into my own dear cherubs.

On the subway Sunday morning, I eavesdropped upon a conversation between my husband and the Texan triplets. They were asking about their dad’s prior girlfriends before “mom” during our college days. My husband enthusiastically embarrassed their dad, his buddy, with antics and stories about daddy dearest’s younger days. "Y'all are all so weirdly alike" says the Texan teenager to my husband referring to her dad and the rest of the odd menfolk in our midst. Meanwhile my kids are chatting up some of the other adults, making sure to highlight their favorite mother’s grandest parenting moments be it embarrassing them at sporting events or failing to pack the perfect school lunch.

The weekend was warm and genuine. The kids and adults were removed from the stress of work and school. They truly were among family, in some ways easier than being with blood family because we could embrace the closeness and the camaraderie without some of the baggage inherent in a true family reunion (not to say we haven’t had our share of drama over these 25 years, but somehow it seems different than when Great Aunt Dora is nagging Grandpa Bob over the China dishes willed to them by their ancestors from the old country). I heard some people talking about their upcoming Thanksgiving Friday and others suggesting a trip sometime in the spring. I know there are a few more Bar/Bat Mitzvahs on the horizon where different permutations of our extended group will gather once again. Whatever the occasion, it is nice to see that we are creating this safe and fun loving group for ourselves and for our kid

10/6/2012

2 Comments

Parenting; the greatest, the scariest and the most frustrating journey one can embark on.

A friend of mine stationed in Hawaii had a baby last week. Pictures of her beautiful infant are showing up on my FB page every few days. I see his teeny tiny hands, that newborn face and his hospital issued hat and remember those early days of parenting. I was exhausted; I was falling in love with my infant; I was learning how to be a mom. During those days, I had a neighbor whose kids were in pre-school. She always said to me “just you wait”. I was irked by her words of warning. I wanted to simply take in the joy; I had no doubt that the ride would get bumpier, but for the moment, I just wanted to coast.

I currently sublet my office space from an agency that facilitates groups for people battling substance abuse issues. While walking through the waiting area this week, I bumped into someone I know from the community. This woman is strong and beautiful and in-charge. She appeared to be swallowed up by one of the oversized couches in the waiting room looking worn out, exhausted and spent. This woman was waiting for her teenager who was having an assessment with one of the substance abuse counselors. This is the scary and frustrating part of parenting. The great part is on other days: when your child runs up to you with a big hug, laughs with you during an episode of Modern Family or texts that he got an A on his math test. Recognizing that your child has a need for the Recovery Center is not a great part of the parenting trip.

The other night a client’s father, out of pure frustration, yelled me at. His eyes were glaring at me, his face beat red, “We have done everything we can for her, I don’t know what else to do.” The frustration and fear evident in his words and his tone. This man’s vision for his little girl has not come to fruition. Whether he had hoped she may be an all "A" student or captain of the lacrosse team, he is instead living with a girl that is angry, defiant and causing physical destruction in their home as well as emotional chaos within the family.

Scary and frustrating moments happen in every household not just the ones that write the therapy checks. Our kindergarteners get on a bus for the first time and leave our side, our toddlers have temper tantrums, sometimes on a daily basis and our teens learn to drive. The not great days are supposed to happen; it is how we learn, how our kids learn and how we master many of life's tasks. How else could we appreciate, really cherish the beautiful moments if we didn't have the fear and frustration on the other side? As high-school seniors marched into graduation this past spring, every parent was beaming with pride; memories of "D"'s on report cards during sophomore year or missed curfews earlier that winter had been buried. The great moments, the really special days are the ones to remember, to embrace and to remind and assure us that the crazy trip that we call parenting is a long and winding road that, G-d willing, lands us in the lap of grandparenthood.

9/15/2012

4 Comments

“I’ve been seeing them for a few months. They both seem to want to get help and make it work, but she is so angry and he seems to have shut down. They have discussed the infidelity, but trust continues to be an issue. The kids don’t seem to have been affected, according to the dad, but the mom thinks differently. The daughter who is eight has been having bed-wetting accidents frequently and the four year old has cried every day when mom drops her off at pre-school. Do you guys think the girls should be brought in for an assessment?”

My colleague has just presented this difficult case in our peer supervision meeting. We have been meeting for about three months every other Friday morning. Four therapists, each in private practice around the Herndon/Reston area meet to share experiences, get consultation about clients and share business ideas. I am also in another supervision group that has been meeting for about six years. These groups provide an invaluable source of support and information for therapists. We can feel quite isolated in our own offices, often seeing client after client every hour throughout the day without a break to share ideas, express concerns or ask questions of our colleagues.

“His mom died when he was in 6th grade. His sibling is now in college and he is in high school and experimenting with drugs and has poor grades. The dad works long hours and my client spends a lot of time at home unsupervised making poor choices. He is very private and wants me to keep his confidences. He isn’t in imminent danger, but I don’t know how much to share with his dad while also maintaining his confidentiality. What do you guys suggest?”

I shared this with my group and received many suggestions and helpful advice. My group members were able to ask relevant questions and challenge me on my work with my client; they offered a fresh look at the case, a new perspective that sometimes I can’t see because I am too close to the situation.

We are also developing wonderful friendships. Amidst the sharing of difficult cases and recognizing the pain that our clients experience, we break the tension with a lot of laughs. We also share our personal struggles and parenting challenges as they are all intertwined within our daily lives, our clients’ struggles and living and working as therapists, parents and women.

I am so grateful to have found my supervision groups. They provide an anchor for me as I do this difficult and emotional work. I have found myself calling my colleagues before a particularly challenging therapy session to ask for advice. I love that our support extends beyond the parameter of our Friday mornings.

Disclaimer: Each of the cases presented are fictional. They are compilations of my cases, cases I’ve heard in supervision, or my own imagination. This is to protect the confidentiality of my clients and those of my colleagues. Anything that may resemble a real person or family is simply a coincidence.

9/14/2012

2 Comments

Balance - it's a tricky one.

Now that the kids are back in school and all the sports, dance and other extra-curricula activities are starting up as well as Back to School Nights, Parents This and Parents That Meetings, how do we find balance? It feels like either feast or famine in our busy lives; the quiet, sometimes boring, calm of summer plunging into this frenzy of 'we don't know who is coming or going' (I mean that literally, sometimes I need a spread sheet to figure out which family member is where at any given time). One of my clients told me that she was in the car chauffeuring kids from 3:00-7:30 on Wed. night (I happened to be doing the same thing at almost the same hours on that same night).

I’m smiling as I return to this post started a week ago and wondering, again, about balance. Where has mine been? (Has it really taken over a week to write a blog post?) My equilibrium was certainly out of whack Monday morning when I squeezed in a workout only to rush off to the grocery store (sweaty, of course) and then plunge into cooking, cleaning, laundry and preparing meals for Tuesday so I could get to my office that afternoon to see my clients. The craze of the Monday was intended to make the Tuesday run more smoothly? Is that balance? I think not.

I find balance when I make realistic plans for the allotted time and not try to cram everything into one small window. I also know that I find balance when I pause to take some time for me, be it a walk on these beautiful Fall mornings or meeting a friend for coffee to talk, listen and laugh. I find when I have recharged myself, I have more patience and energy for my family and my clients, or to do the mundane household chores that are always waiting for me.

I work with many women, like myself, who are trying to balance their personal, professional and familial obligations. My clients have shared that they don’t feel like they give enough time or attention to any area of their lives. One mom is always late to our appointments; she is rushing her kids to school, making work calls on the road and trying to get to therapy. She bursts into my office and wants to ‘hurry up’ and get calm. Those are the moments when I start therapy with a deep breath. My client needs to slow down and be present for her session. I model in the therapy hour what we need to do in our busy lives: slow down and be mindful of the moment that we are in.

It is good to also model this mindfulness for our children. I have seen many a teenager (and adult, present company included) sit in front of the tv with a laptop while texting on a cell phone. Multi-talented we are, but are we balanced and present in the moment? What happens if we were to unplug? Last summer when we lost our power we lit candles, played games and laughed the old-fashioned way, without Youtube prompts. I remember a time at my old job where I was surrounded by therapists. One afternoon the internet was down. There were several of us gathered in a colleague’s office laughing, sharing and spending time with one another. We commented on the fact that it took losing the internet to actually converse with one another.

Balance includes being present, slowing down and unplugging once in a while. It involves planning, prioritizing and sometimes saying "No" to a volunteer request or a neighborhood gathering. It might even mean saying "No" to your child who is asking for the fifth sleepover in six days in between practices, play-dates and birthday parties. Balance doesn't have to mean boring; if it eliminates some stress and adds some quality family time, or really good girlfriend time, less can absolutely be more

9/10/2012

3 Comments

Do your kids get along? I say this as my three are gathered around the laptop working on a Power Point presentation for the oldest son's English class. The middle is performing the technical support and they are all contributing, laughing and looking at old pictures and videos to contribute to this "About Me" project. (As they are giggling, middle says to oldest "how about "taunting your siblings" for one of the slides?". There goes my post.)

It is not always like this, but I captured a moment where things are working. There are many days where there is yelling, and crying. We have been fortunate enough to not have a lot of hitting and physical altercations, but we have had a healthy share of conflict.

A friend shared an article on FB the other day about spankings. She and I had a conversation about it; neither of us have ever spanked our kids, nor have most of the people I know. I was wondering if one of the reasons that my kids use verbal attacks on each other rather than their fists is because resolving conflict via physical means is just something that they haven't witnessed.

I think about when my kids were younger, or the many families that I work with who have pre-school and elementary school aged kids and how much more fighting there is amongst the siblings. These younger kids are all less mature both within themselves and in their relationships. The self-centered nature that is age appropriate of younger kids and the inability to have empathy or take on the perspective of others is the great contributor to the grabbing of toys, hitting and occasional biting that happens in pre-school classrooms or basement play rooms.

As our kids get older and master higher levels of development, they are learning about empathy and compassion. They can see that a lonely child at school or someone that may have been bullied is feeling sad. The hope is that we have taught them to reach out to their sad peer and offer some support or a smile. Can they be empathetic with their siblings? We certainly hope so and offer many opportunities on a daily basis to exercise that muscle.

Sibling love is often evident when the kids join forces to gang up against their parents. Teenagers are quick to bond together over insulting their parents' anxieties, insecurities or fashion choices. As long as it is in good fun, sometimes it can be a nice bonding moment for the kids, and in my house, it can be quite comical. It can, though, cross a line and then feelings get hurt. Parents have feelings too and should never be emotionally beat up at the expense of their kids "joking".

Teenage siblings, despite competition and battling over the bathroom, can be friends. I know a family where the two boys who are 22 months apart would run around the playground often having fun, but sometimes about to pummel one another. They are now 18 and 16 and the closest of friends. They share a lot of the same interests which has enabled them to have many mutual friends, shared socializing and a wonderful and close brotherly relationship.

Sadly, that is not always the case. I worked with a family where the girls were two grades apart. The older one, a senior in high school, felt like her younger sister was the 'favored' child because she was a good student, a good athlete and that 'perfect' kid. Her sister, a sophomore in high school, felt that her parents favored her sister because her sister was having trouble socially and would stay home and spend time with their parents. She envied the time they all spent together while she was out socializing with her friends. The girls had a bitter rivalry and the parents were at a loss as to how to properly parent them. Over time, in family therapy, the family was able to identify and work on each girls' specific needs trying to build a more amicable relationship between the sisters.

Whether your kids are younger, older, fighting or playing, siblings are siblings. It is a unique relationship and one to be cherished. If you feel that your kids are unable to call a truce every once in a while for some heartfelt giggles or you are truly concerned about the level of competition or animosity between your them, give me a call, I'd be happy to hear you out