8/28/2013

6 Comments

Last fall I wrote these two posts about our Mother Daughter group (here and here). After some honest discussion with the other moms, I decided to stop writing about our specific group. As wonderful as it is, we wanted to keep it private and safe for the girls to grow and share openly. The thought was that if they knew I was blogging about it, even though I keep it strictly anonymous, there may be some hesitation about sharing. I wholeheartedly agreed, so have stopped writing about the particulars of our monthly group meetings.

Throughout the year, we have evolved into a cohesive and connected group. We met monthly, rotating between peoples' homes although a few times we met in other venues such as Rebounders, a restaurant or a sports pavilion. The host mom and daughter would plan a craft or a game as well as a potluck meal and lead discussion topics that the group had suggested the previous month. Discussions have included gossip, bullying, boy-girl relationships and appropriate clothing choices. The girls were initially very shy, but have become so comfortable that they are leading discussions and opening up with much ease.

We met again last week culminating our first year together. The weather was beautiful, we met at a neighborhood pool and the day was just perfect. The girls initially went in the pool while the moms chatted around a table. When they got hungry, the girls gravitated towards the snacks at the table adjacent to the moms. Before we realized it, the girls had pulled up chairs and we were all gathered around the table sharing stories of summer trips and camp.

Later that evening one of the moms sent a group email reflecting on how nice the day had been and how she noticed that the girls had pulled their chairs up to our table, something that would not have happened even a few months ago. We were operating as a unified group; moms and daughters as a unit. One mom was helping my daughter with make-up advice, something that is fairly foreign to me while another girl shared how she allocated her allowance for her back-to-school purchases. It was so special to witness how close the girls and moms have become over the last twelve months.

I have been thinking about offering a group of this nature for moms and daughters through my practice. Many moms in my community have commented on how wonderful our group is and how helpful it would be for them and their daughters. This group would be structured a bit differently as I would be the facilitator and not a mom. It would be in my office and have some differences to the one that I have been writing about; I see a great deal of potential having it in such a setting with the ability to grow very strong bonds and do meaningful work as has been done in our group in a less formal setting.

I am asking you readers for your thoughts. Would this be something that you and your daughter might be interested in? Would you be willing to commit to a monthly and/or twice a month meeting which would include some, yet to be decided, fee? Would you be open to this fabulous experience for not only your daughters, but for you as well (the relationships that we have formed as moms have become as important to me as have the relationships between the girls)?

Please do chime in as it will help me to decide if the interest is out there for this type of group. I have invested time and energy into other groups that have not taken flight, so trust that your feedback is very important. Thanks for your thoughts.

Laurie

8/13/2013

4 Comments

I am at IT again. I have been doing this for eighteen years and IT is never easy. What is IT you ask? IT is the eternal search for a responsible adult that can care for your children while you are at work.

Early on it was the MOST stressful part of my parenting experience other than my kids getting sick, which, you can ask my friends, we had plenty of (how many nebulizers can one family own?) I agonized each time over leaving my infants with anyone other than me. The first baby, particularly, was difficult. We were new parents, learning how to do this thing called 'parenting'; three short months later, maternity leave was over and someone had to watch this baby.

In the midst of the exhaustion and shock of having this newborn, new daddy and I got to seek daycare. There were fancy agencies to find you the best nanny (for hundreds of dollars to register), you could risk taking out an ad in the newspaper and pray for Mary Poppins, or you could get on a waiting list at a day care center. The internet was not yet at our fingertips, thus no Craig's List, Sitter City or any other form of www.

For some reason, once we finally hired someone they were short-termers. I want to believe that it was because I was part-time and that was a harder niche to fill (rather than my kids were bratty). Remember the show Murphy Brown with Candice Bergen where each episode she had a new secretary? That was the story of our day care - we went through about twelve babysitters in half as many years. I wish I could tell you how many times I called my husband after walking in the house on a Thursday evening to say "she quit again".

Then we found M. M saved us; not only did she love my kids, but she added stability to our somewhat chaotic home, the best being when she got fed up with my linen closet she would re-fold all the towels. M worked for us for six years and raised my youngest (we often wonder who my youngest is really asking for when she calls "mommy"). M is part of our family, so much so that when she announced her pregnancy, my husband said "we are going to be grandparents", and her three year old now proudly calls me "Gramma Yorie".

I wish I could say that after M left us for a full-time job that our headaches were gone. Sure, as my kids got older, the fear of leaving them became less. They could speak and keep me abreast of what was going on at home while I was busily seeing clients. But, I still had to find someone that was responsible, kind and was a careful driver (I long since gave up on laundry or linen closet maintenance).

I found myself today paying, again, for Sitter City. Luckily, I have already had a phone interview with a college student looking for some after-school work. Can I trust her, will the kids like her, will she be able to find the dance studio where kid #3 spends most of her time?

I think of all the new moms embarking on this journey that I have travelled so many times. I can feel their anxiety and fears in my stomach as my own; for I have been there and know their struggle. I have had many clients in this spot and have been grateful that I could fully empathize with them.

For anyone that is on the quest for the right day care, particularly as the school year starts, please know that I GET IT. Your fears, your tears and your worries are valid and normal; I would be happy to share them with you if you need, feel free to contact me.

8/6/2013

3 Comments

I was able to leisurely take a wog (walk/jog) this morning before work since offspring are enjoying their favorite time of the year at sleep-away camp. As I huffed and puffed along the quiet streets of Fairfax County in early August, I realized that this stillness is short lived. The vacationers are gone, the office is quiet and I haven't cooked a meal in weeks!

There are hints that IT is coming; the weather had a moment of coolness, soccer and dance registration are here and we just had no-tax weekend (I always feel that it is TOO early to hit up the school supplies aisle in early August, but clearly, I am in the minority here).

As I revel in this peace, I am aware that it will end with a bang (literally when the kids land in the garage with pounds of dirty laundry) and do wish the transition was more gradual. I go from moments of boredom when my house is too quiet and actually clean to practice/orthodontists/carpools etc.

So, my dear readers, enjoy the tranquility, the long days with sunlit evenings and LACK OF HOMEWORK. Good things are upon us although they involve alarm clocks and packing lunches; sometimes it is nice to take a moment and enjoy what is right here in front of us.

7/25/2013

84 Comments

My mom went to visit my brother and his family at their summer home in Westhampton, New York this past weekend. (No fears, this is not going to be the first issue of "what I did during my summer vacation"). As my mom informed me, East Hampton is where the "movie people are" about an hour away from my brother's home.

My mom (aka Grammy) enjoyed the beautiful beach on the west side until Sunday afternoon. My five-year-old niece had been invited to a birthday party of one of her little friends whose daddy happens to be a movie actor that we have all seen. My brother's whole family, Grammy included, piled into the family SUV and drove to the site of the East Hampton birthday party.

As they arrived, said father (the actor) of the birthday girl was heading to the store to pick up some more wine; following a warm greeting he told my family to go on in to the party. There were several families already in attendance , some no-names and several other actors that we would all recognize. Grammy reported that it was a simple home; the kids were all playing in the backyard while the adults snacked on prepared salads and chicken from the local grocer. It wasn't over the top or crazy fancy, it was the kind of party any of us would have in our own backyard. She also noted that everyone, actresses included, were dressed in shorts and tee shirts, bare faced and pony tails without any red carpet make-up or gowns.

While my brother and his wife ran after their kids, Grammy mingled with some of the other adults. She watched one actor argue with his six-year-old over what to eat; apparently he didn't like the chicken nor did he hesitate to make his opinion known. She then found herself joined in conversation with that actor and another actress (a beautiful woman that we have all seen). They were discussing that they used the same contractor for their homes in California and had many mutual friends. Grammy just took it all in. The actress mentioned that her mother, also a well-known actress, was performing this summer and that was taking time away from her spending time with the grandchildren. The irony didn’t escape Grammy; these famous people were kvetching (whining) over the same things that we mere mortals all vent about on a daily basis. Life, kids, parents, work, contractors; we ALL do it, rich and famous too.

As Grammy reminded me, we all put our pants on one foot at a time (some may be slipping into $350 size 0 pants, nevertheless it is still one foot at a time). We often gawk at celebrities and romanticize their glamorous lives, and yet they are human too. We hear about their publicized addictions, divorces and arrests, but they also have every day joys and troubles just like all of us.

My son just had to hear the story first hand from his grandmother so he picked up the phone to get the scoop. As they were saying their good-byes, I heard him say to Grammy "Keep partying with the famous people"; not a sentence I ever expected to hear from his mouth to her ears

7/15/2013

3 Comments

I have been a voyeur on the camp photos and videos where my kids are spending the summer. Ok, not really a voyeur since the camp is putting it out for all of us parents to see, but it feels a little voyeuristic. The camp does a fabulous job at portraying the daily happenings of the kids; there are photos, slideshows and videos.

The thing about these sightings is that everyone is smiling. Either there is excellent editing, or these kids are just happy! I keep thinking about when the kids see a camera; they gather together arm and arm and smile because that is what one does when they see a camera. So, is it really all that fun, or is it the view of the camera?

The videos are showing more unposed fun. There are the moments when the kids stop and scream "WE LOVE CAMP" as if they have been prompted (honestly, I don't think they have), but for me the best moments are when the camera is just filming life.

A special moment at this camp is Shabbat (the Sabbath). The camp has religious services, a special meal and increased music on Shabbat. I just watched one of the Shabbat videos and could feel the joy emanating from the kids and adults. There is a traditional banging on the tables during some songs and, as my kids have reported to me, the song leaders jump from table to table with their guitars. (I was relieved when my daughter guaranteed that the kids scrub the tables extra hard after this table jumping event). I saw little girls spontaneously breaking into dancing circles in the middle of the dining room while their bunk mates ran over to join the dance. This wasn't posed, this was fun and ruach (Hebrew for spirit).

Then the therapist in me takes over. Not every kid is happy every single moment; of course not. There is homesickness, bunk drama, kids being excluded and overtired campers and staff. There are bad meals, rainy days and even some boring 'learning' time, as I have been told. I am reminded again and again, without some down moments, how could any of us ever truly appreciate pure joy? I am not sure we would experience it as wholly if we didn't have a yucky day with which to compare it.

At camp though, my gut says that the joy outweighs the yuck. Weeks of sleepovers, constant play dates, cool counselors instead of naggy parents telling you to take a shower. Sports, music, dance and craziness instead of school and homework. Camp has an unfair advantage over the rest of life, how could it not? One very long vacation.

Camp is truly my kids' favorite place in the world. It's not that they don't love their parents and enjoy family time, I know they do, it's just that camp offers a joy, a pure joy that I have yet to see replicated in any other form.

7/10/2013

8 Comments

It's been a little quiet over here in blog-land. I've started a few posts and they sit waiting in my cue for the final editing etc. My posts tend to go better when they fly off my fingers onto the screen. I know then that I have something important to say. Not that the ones awaiting perfection aren't important, sometimes the words just flow easier (remember, a writer, I am not).

I have nothing to say, but I get anxious when a random site emails me and says "we've missed your blogs". Why? I don't know - a job for my own inner anxiety reducer.

I had a lovely vacation over July 4th and plunged back in to heavy client days only to have a little reprieve for hump day today before more busy-ness for the end of the week. Summer is tricky for the solo therapist, it is actually tricky for most businesses unless you rent boats or manage camps.

Vacations, camps, well-behaved children who don't have homework, happier families due to less stressful daily life; the need for therapy is down. Honestly, that makes me happy, other than the need to pay my bills. I like that people can find their joy; I like that people are free from worries and feel lighter; I like that people are less troubled and distressed during these lazy summer months.

May you find some joy be it on the beach, at an air conditioned summer movie or just lounging around with no homework, tests or frenzied weeks. We know they are all around the corner, and when the crazy hits, I am here if you need me

6/26/2013

3 Comments

As I was saying here, we rushed back to the Labor and Delivery Room all excited. The "coaching" team got ready by charging phones and cameras and having, what we all thought would be, our last minute potty stops.

Mama was feeling fine; relatively pain free and resting nicely. The nurse had checked her while we had been at lunch and said that she had dilated to 9.5 centimeters. Another nurse came in and set up a table with many shiny, silver scissor- type-plier things (they all looked the same to me, but I was not the one about to deliver a baby). After another check, the nurse came back and said that the baby needed to "slide down" a bit more and she would return in thirty minutes. I love the "hurry up to wait" dance; and so we waited. After half an hour there were some practice pushes, and then another thirty minute "slide down" break. Remember we had all had our last minute bathroom visits? Yeh, not so much, there were plenty more trips and even a few minutes for me to finish that wilting salad.

Eventually, it was time. Mommy got some serious pushing going with her fantastic nurse and helpful coaches supporting her both physically and emotionally. There were pauses of seriousness and silence; mom would rest in between pushes and we would quietly watch the monitor waiting for the next contraction. Out of nowhere, the wrong bed button was activated and mid-push mom's bed was raised and elevated into some awkward contortion that sent us all into hysterical laughter. "I guess we didn't get far with that one" giggled the laboring mom.

Once it was clear that baby was soon to make his entrance, the nurse called the doctor on her fancy hospital phone. Enter the doctor donning her scrubs and it all seemed real. Personally, I was sympathetically pushing with mom the whole way. I had full blown tmj from gritting my jaw so tight with stress and anticipation.

And then, it happened: the baby joined the party. It was amazing! He was suddenly on his mommy's chest, the nurse was suctioning him and we heard the most beautiful cry you could ever imagine.

His beauty was/is overwhelming. I had tears and smiles as big as the moon; there is no way to describe how awe-inspiring it all was. A bit later after the siblings had joined the party and then left to let mom have some quiet, I sat quietly holding the clean and swaddled newborn. I said to mom "how was he inside of you less than two hours ago?" Just unbelievable.

As I drove home while talking (safely on my handsfree bluetooth) to our mutual dear friend in Ohio about the whole experience, I said, please don't repeat this to anybody, but "I am exhausted!". Not like I had just delivered a baby or anything.

As far as bucket list items go, I have to say that this one just about tops it off. It was an amazing and joyful day, I am so happy that I was included in this beautiful even

6/25/2013

5 Comments

I've had a little bucket list floating in my head for the past several years. It wasn't planned or formal (I rarely operate in such an organized fashion), just adventures that I want to experience or accomplish during this midlife crisis phase of life. A few were athletic endeavors that I mentioned here, and the Avon Walk was something I had always thought about and am SO GLAD it is now in my bucket (times three). Last fall, my daughter mentioned that she would like to learn to knit. Knitting has long been a bucket item. The YouTube lady became our friend and we arduously toiled and foiled until we figured out this cool and very relaxing knitting thing.

Although I have had three children and was DEFINITELY present at their births (and subsequent raising, although Child #1 would argue that point), I have always wanted to be on the other end of the birthing experience. I wanted to see a baby be born when it wasn't coming out of my body. Thanks to my dear friend, I can now check that off my bucket list. I was graciously invited in to the Labor and Delivery Room to join her husband and her sister witness the birth of her son. And yes, it met all of my expectations.

My phone rang at 7:30 in the morning. Auntie was calling to tell me that they had arrived at the hospital, she said that I had time to take a shower and to meet them there when I was ready. I frenzied around, left my sleeping children and grabbed some lattes for audience participants, arriving at the hospital less than an hour later.

Mom was having back labor at the time and waiting eagerly for the glories of the epidural. Within the first five minutes of my arrival, she had a contraction. This was the first time I have ever seen anyone have a contraction (other than my own). It was hard to watch; I readily witnessed her pain without feeling it and just wanted to do something to ease it for her. Pre-epidural, we were strongly instructed to NOT TOUCH the mommy, no one was to go near her during the contraction.

About an hour later, with miracle drugs flowing into her system, my friend was a comfortable woman in labor. She tried to rest while we chatted, watched hours of 80's sitcoms and waited. We were all enthralled by the monitors. There were graphs tracking both the baby's heart rate and the strength of the contractions. The screen also showed all of the monitors of the other women in labor on the floor. We could tell when the woman down the hall was having a "big one" and that one woman was having twins due to two fetal heart beats. I spent hours gazing at the monitors.

At some point mid-day, Auntie and I went down to grab some lunch. We had a few bites of our not-so-bad hospital food only to receive a text from dad mid-chew, "9.5 cm". Faster than a contraction, we tossed the contents of our trays (well, Auntie did, I don't easily discard food, so my salad joined me in the elevator) and headed up for the main event.

To be continued...

6/17/2013

16 Comments

One day a few weeks ago I was finishing up a 3 mile "wog". Wogging consists of some walking and some jogging (my son who ran cross country and track says I "bunny hop"; I guess a long legged teenager might see that in me). As I was wogging down the home stretch, my neighbor called out "hello". She is a tall, long legged, athletic young thing (not to be confused with the bunny hopper hopping down the street). We have had many a bus stop conversation about my various attempts at athleticism; there have been 5k's, sprint triathlons, a half marathon and, of course, the Avon Walks. (This bunny hopper is SLOW and steady, no awards even in the advanced aged category, but it has been fun interesting to plod along throughout the years).

My lovely neighbor asked me if I am "training for anything?" I thoughtfully answered "no, just LIFE". The truth is, I have paid for an event in July, and that is probably what is motivating me to get out there and move, but I am not sure I am going to participate, both due to scheduling and my hesitancy about my readiness for this event. So, I thought my answer was more accurate because, I am training for LIFE; we all are every.single.day.

On a daily basis we are trying to do our best as humans: parenting, nutrition, kindness, healthy bodies, school, work, volunteering, community, environment. Goodness, I am tired from just reading that list. And, yet every morning, we get up and begin the training again.

There are those mornings when just getting out of bed is considered success. I have worked with many who are depressed or grieving and putting those two feet on the floor can feel like a marathon at times. Some days are harder than others, and I truly empathize with their struggles. I've had people say that if they are able to just keep breathing, they are doing okay.

Depression and grief can be very heavy. I've spoken to many whose friends and family don't understand the heaviness, "my dad says if I just go out and get some fresh air I will be fine". When you live with someone that has never experienced the "downs" it can be complicated. A stranger to depression really can not appreciate the weight of the grief/depression, they can not put themselves in your shoes and realize how hard it is to accomplish the simplest things.

In family meetings, I do my best to help both parties begin to understand how the other is feeling. Mom/husband/anyone is pushing you to exercise, work or even shower and you just can't summon the energy to move forward. There is an education piece for the non-depressed person where they need to learn what depression looks like, why their loved one is so dormant and how they can be helpful rather than an additional pressure.

I see these therapy sessions as part of the training for LIFE. It is in the sessions when we build our muscles via repetition. "I can't tell my parents ___________" . What are you most afraid of? What is the worst that could happen? Can you tell them a piece of the story? Week after week we break down the issues (depression, anxiety or anger) and do the training necessary to move forward; sometimes it is a 5k, maybe even a full marathon, but often the training is just helping to put one foot in front of the other and show up for that game of LIFE.

Be it healthy physical choices, emotional goals or concrete work challenges, each of us is participating in our own training program. What we bring to the table will impact the outcome; I know the harder I wog, the better I feel in my muscles and in my mind. Please, keep in mind, that sometimes we all struggle to tie up our running shoes, sometimes getting to the training is just that difficult. Have patience with yourself and those around you, tomorrow is a new opportunity to train for LIFE.

6/10/2013

1 Comment

You may have noticed it's been a little quiet here over at my corner of the internet. True, it's been crazy busy with the end of school and ten million events and such, but carpooling and track meets have not been solely the reason for less wordage on my site. A few weeks ago I posted something that received a few negative comments (not here, it had been re-posted on another site which is a more public forum) and I have taken a moment to pause. The comments were not that scathing, just some questioning of my intentions or mild criticism. Since I have enjoyed such positive feedback and loving comments for so long, this experience gave me a wonderful little opportunity for reflection and growth.

I read many blogs where the authors have been slammed in the comment section. These authors have written about their experience with criticism and taught me that everyone has opinions and putting words out for anyone to see opens one up to not only the "bravos", but to the "not so much" as well. I have a dear friend that is a journalist; she has been beaten up and bruised for years by angry readers and I have admired her ability to let it mostly roll off without another thought (other than an earlier than scheduled happy hour or a snarky Facebook post relating to a stressful day.)

As a therapist, we learn about countertransference and personal boundaries, both in school and in training. The internet has added an entirely new dimension to all of our work. There are now classes on social media for therapists; we are taught about confidentiality for email and Skype, guided on whether or not to text and also how to market ourselves on the internet.

This blog has been a way for me to let you and/or my clients learn a little bit about me and how I work. I think it is nice for a client to be able to read a bit about my style and quirks personality before meeting me. It helps to determine if we will be a good fit for working together in a therapeutic relationship. Yet, I take a risk. I may push people away by being too Laurie, offend someone or simply say the wrong thing in a blog post. I need to be okay with that; it's not all about the love and kudos, and that has been my lesson of late.

If I have offended or been unprofessional, my apologies. I am a work in progress both in my office and on this keyboard. I take my role as a therapist very seriously and do my best to adhere to the ethical bounds by which I am governed. It is always nice to hear the positive feedback, but as important to hear the negative; that is where I grow and learn.

Please feel free to contact me personally with any questions or concerns: laurielevinelcsw.com