10/27/2013

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I wrote about Gabriella Miller last December when she sparked the public world with not only her cancer diagnosis, but with her exuberant personality, determination and wish to make a difference. This little girl packed spunk, brilliance and compassion into one tiny package of adorable.

I have been diligently following the Facebook page, Make a Wish with Gabriella, throughout the year. It is on that page that I learned about her involvement in fundraising for childhood cancer, the family's trip to Paris, Gabriella not only authoring a book but also her getting an honorary college degree at Shenandoah University. I was also entertained with her giggling, her poems and many wonderful photos of daily life with her 'younger' brother; "he's 6 years old, but he's not my little brother - he's my younger brother! He's taller and heavier than me," wrote Gabriella in a blog entry on the Smashing Walnuts Foundation site.

On Wednesday I read that Gabriella's health had declined and she was at home with the care of hospice. My heart sank as did all who have been touched by Gabriella and her family (to include the 19,268 and growing by the minute followers of the FB page). I obsessively thought about Gabriella and her family almost all day of every day. How could I not? How could any one not think about this bright personality being snuffed out by the beast that is cancer?

The community rallied with hope and prayer. On Friday there was a request on the Make a Wish for Gabriella page to make tissue paper flowers. " We are going to take all of these flowers and create giant bouquets of hand-made flowers in bright colors, just like Gabriella loves." And so the flowers bloomed, big, beautiful and bright like Gabriella's smile and personality.

This morning, I learned that Gabriella passed away last night. Heaviness abounded. Her spark has been darkened, but not extinguished; Gabriella was fierce and has left behind an energy and passion that will continue. She stated in her interview for Truth 365 "if I lose my battle, I want other people to carry on with the war, they're going to win this war".

Gabriella, I pray with all of my being that we will continue your war and win it. Like your mom frequently posts "I HATE cancer". No one should ever have to hear the words "your child has cancer". I thank your family for sharing you with us; I can't imagine how difficult that must have been, caring for you and your brother, dealing with personal grief and continuing to advocate, fight and share with all of those who care so desperately about you, your battle and childhood cancer. Gabriella, may your memory be a blessing, Z"L.

Gabriella's family has requested that those who wish to honor Gabriella make a contribution to her cancer awareness and research foundation at www.smashingwalnuts.com.

10/14/2013

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Let's talk about high school reunions. My 30th reunion was this past weekend and I was unable to fly North to attend due to a much too heavy Fall travel schedule here in the not-so-South South. Several of my friends attended and based on the pictures, texts and phone calls I have received in the post-reunion de-briefing everyone seemed to have a good time.

I sit with high school kids every day, in my office, who share their pain about feeling left out, being different and believing that they are alone in suffering through this hell we call adolescence.

I have two thoughts running through my head as I re-read those last two paragraphs:

1. Why would anyone choose to go to a high school reunion after swimming in that pool of hormones and insecurities for four entire years?

2. By the time we are 48, isn't it nice to realize that everyone has joys and worries, emotional maturity does happen and no one is supposed to weigh at 48 what they did at 18?

I was looking at a photo of my son and his tenth grade buddies and commented to my husband, "this picture will be priceless in 30 years". Simultaneously, my son saw the hair loss and belly expansion in his future and wonders "how can I make it stop?"

Would I really make it stop if I could? There has been so much living and learning over the past thirty years.

When I sit with distraught, angry and sad teenagers, I know my "I've been there" mentality is not what can help them. I can listen and validate, sometimes I can throw in a story or advice (my favorite to share is that I skipped class once; Mr. McKerron's 11th grade Honor's English class because I hadn't finished the reading for a quiz. As I left the cafeteria that day, I walked head-on into Mr. McKerron). That was my story and my shame having to explain to Mr. McKerron ( who spared me from any harsh detentions), but my telling it does not help these kids learn their life lessons. They need to experience their own "bustings" and consequences to develop their own personal morals and values.

When I want to shake my clients and explain that the "popular people" have insecurities and worries just like they do, they roll their eyes at me as if I am clueless. I get that it feels miserable at this moment in this teen's life and I know that she doesn't know that the pain will subside and heal in thirty years time. In the meanwhile, I give her the tools she needs to believe that she is as wonderful as the next girl; what are her strengths, what makes her feel good, how can she fill herself up with joy when she is feeling so low?

Everyone has suffered in some way - insecurities are universal. I didn't know that then and I know these kids don't know it yet. As I looked at the beautiful photos of my high school classmates I know that they each have happiness, troubles, insecurities and great laughs. Some have more money than me and less BMI than I, but at 48, I know that we all have bad days, silly annoyances and big challenges, even the popular ones!

10/7/2013

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I went to college. I had roommates and exams and parties. I stayed up late and slept even later. I hibernated in the library for what felt like days and existed in a world of 18-22 year olds. We ate at weird times and were usually awake while the rest of the world was sleeping.

Fast forward thirty years (yes, my 30th high school reunion is this weekend).

I just returned from my first Parents Weekend at my son's university. The students are young and fit and beautiful and young. There were parents EVERYWHERE. The car line in front of the dorm was like pre-school pickup; parents shuttling their kids to dinner, brunch and shopping trips to Target. My son remarked how different the campus looked this weekend with all of us baby-boomer parents schlepping behind our eighteen year olds.

A mere eight weeks ago these "rising freshmen" were anxious, new and still a little clingy as we dragged them through Bed Bath and Beyond, and every other big-box store to stock their dorm rooms for the year. They seem to have acclimated themselves to this new way of life; the dorm room smelled like sweaty sneakers, the back pack looked broken in and there were nods, hello's and a few hugs to classmates as my son showed us campus from his viewpoint.

I learned about the "swiping" of the card which gets one in to the food halls, the gym and many other campus venues. I was instructed about when and where they were permitted to eat what and about these periods called "late night" dining; that would be the "9:30pm I haven't had dinner because I got up at 12:00pm meal" that the campus provides for these college students and their unique daily routines.

My son pointed out the classrooms, the faculty offices and the big and beautiful new student center adjacent to the gorgeous campus pool. I saw his particular nook at the on-campus Starbucks where he gets most of his work done ("I like the white noise, it's not too quiet like the library, but not loud and distracting") and the Student Government Office where he and his peers will convene weekly as members of the newly elected student government (may they have better luck that their Federal counterparts).

So many thoughts as a parent were swirling through my head, first and foremost being, when can I go to sleep since I have been up since 5:30am and you rolled out of bed when we landed at the airport? But seriously, how their lives have changed so much in just two months. Which experiences will be the impetus to their future adult lives? Who from this campus will be their lifelong friends, partners or spouses?

It was also interesting to note how the freshman are learning to negotiate their way through life challenges. One girl had an ear infection and had to spend three hours waiting at the health clinic because she hadn't made an appointment only to realize she had no cash on her to purchase her prescription. A few classmates switched majors and thus have an entirely new schedule from the one that they had constructed over the summer with mom and dad by their side. There have been fights, injuries and student probationary periods prompted by overindulging in underage drinking and I read a flyer on the dorm wall about "alerts" that a professor will send home if there is an academic concern.

The freshman are learning that the "Welcome to Adulthood" banner includes the joy of the greatest.party.evah. and the realization that "it is time to do some work" all wrapped up in the same college experience . I am grateful that these students have the opportunity to wear the banner in a somewhat protected environment. There are faculty, staff, resident advisors and upperclassmen are all available to share both the joys and the great lessons of the freshman year.

May all the Freshman of 2013-2014 find joy, learning, great adventures and safety this year (and don't forget to call your parents, okay, a text will suffice!)

Addendum: Between completing this post and making final edits, I got a text from my son "I think I'm going to go to the health center to get my sinuses checked out". Since he had been having symptoms all weekend, I praised his idea and reminded him to make an appointment to avoid a three hour wait!

9/17/2013

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Again?

I first saw it on FB (that won't surprise anyone. 1. that it was on FB and 2. that is where I get my news alerts).

A friend had posted that her husband, who works at the Navy Yard, was safe. Confused, I turned on the television only to learn that yet another person had taken innocent lives with a gun.

My first reaction was out and out anger. I was pissed!

After watching too much news coverage on the local news, I returned to the 'source' and saw a friend's FB post about "death to the Yankees" (clearly a die hard Red Sox fan). I gently asked if he would consider squashing or obliterating the Yankees in light of the recent news. He had, of course, not heard about the tragedy at the Navy Yard and quickly deleted the unintentional faux pax (Yankees or no Yankees).

This most recent tragedy is really eating at me. I am an emotional person and always experience the sadness and loss of these senseless acts; but the amount of anger that is upon me was unexpected.

Tonight a client told me about his five year old misbehaving. Apparently this adorable kindergartener had "decorated" his bathroom with his sister's make-up. He did this not once or twice, but as of last night, FIVE times. His dad and I discussed his consequences and how they escalated in severity with each new lavatory masterpiece. We questioned what might be driving his behavior: negative attention, resentment at sister or just a budding artist?

Five times? He took his sister's make-up five times? What can his parents do to help him learn from his mistakes? How can he convey whatever the message is that he is trying to communicate? There is clearly something amiss in the dynamics of this family system.

I return to the latest violence. Five times? I wish it had only been five times that some mentally ill person had taken a gun and redecorated the lives of an innocent family. What is the dynamic of this system? How many consequences need to occur before some parents somewhere get their act together and stop this misbehaving?

I can still be stunned when one of my kids looks at me as the "grown-up", the one to make a decision, the one to make it right. Is it me, my peers, we adults that have to curb the insanity of this misbehaving?

I feel powerless.

I can vote, I can lobby and I can work diligently on the issues of mental health, but I can't stop this insanity. An elementary school, a high school, a college, a movie theater, a marathon. These are our places, these are our lives, these are our friends and families that are getting killed - when will the grown ups make it stop?

9/16/2013

9 Comments

The best social life I ever had was when I was thirteen. Being Jewish and growing up in a largely Jewish area makes for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah celebration at least every weekend (sometimes multiple parties per weekend). As a parent of a current twelve year old (and two older teens) living in a very non-Jewish area, although not the rocking party scene that I had going on in 1978, I have attended many Bar Mitzvahs in the last several years.

I have written extensively about my work with adopted kids in my therapy practice. I have had the privilege of not only working with adopted kids, but also enjoying wonderful relationships with many adopted adults and children adopted into families of my dearest friends.

At a recent Bar Mitzvah service of a close family friend, I glanced to my right during the singing of a Hebrew prayer. My eyes fell upon three Jewish girls of Chinese descent belting out this beautiful song. My gaze lingered on them as if stuck in a trance and I found my eyes filling with joyful tears.

This scene hits me again and again. I am blessed to be surrounded by many adopted children of all ethnicities at our synagogue and am repeatedly touched in a very profound way. At the Jewish summer camp where my children attend, the staff are excellent at providing photographs to us eager parents on a daily basis. I may or may not peruse many of the photos (not just those of my kids) to get a richer view of all that is camp. During my hours few moments a day spent looking at the camp fun, I again see children born from a multitude of ethnicities who are being raised in Jewish homes that are singing Hebrew songs, praying at Shabbat services and whooping it up at this Jewish camp.

I am trying to articulate what I find so emotional about witnessing these children of varied ethnicities (Asian, African, Columbian, Russian etc.) being raised Jewish. I have friends who have adopted domestically and are raising their American and, most often Christian born children, Jewish as well. I am similarly moved by their experience, yet the adoption issue is less obvious at a quick glance since the Caucasian kids adopted into Caucasian families more often resemble their parents (a common topic in therapy sessions with many of my internationally adopted clients).

Adoption is often so much about identity. Who am I? Where did I come from? Who did I come from? Who am I now? Why why why was I given away? I am constantly aware of the beauty and complexity of the adoptive family; the joy of the parents who have brought their child into the family, the bonding that has occurred, the variety of cultures involved and the whispers of ghosts of the birth family.

And, for many, Judaism is very much about an identity; not just a religious identity, but one of huge cultural significance as well. The food, the jokes, the sayings, the holidays, they are all part of the culture of being Jewish.

As one who studies and counsels children who are seeking an understanding of both their birth and adoptive identities, adding this rich Jewish identity, something very meaningful to me, is rather touching. These little girls that I saw singing at the Bar Mitzvah lived in orphanages in China, they are now being raised in loving families with a strong Jewish heritage with which to embrace. My hope is that when they are feeling those moments of loss or sadness that can be inherent in an adoptive child's experience that there will be something loving and warm that they can grasp from their Jewish upbringing

9/2/2013

12 Comments

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I was fully aware that summer was petering out and we were about to be slammed into back-to-school chaos. The sky is darkening, the winds are blowing and I see the storm school buses on the horizon. Yes, lunches are packed, back packs are ready and MY SON IS STILL DOING HIS SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS.

He is a rising 10th grader who was assigned a math packet, a 550 page book to read and:

The Summer Assignment for AP World History & Geography has three parts:

Part I Read the following selections from World Civilizations:

The Global Experience (6th Edition) and summarize. Part I: The Rise of Agriculture and Agricultural Civilizations (pages 2-7) Part II: The Classical Period, 1000 BCE – 500 CE (pages 34-39) Part III: The Postclassical Era (pages 130-135) Part IV: The World Shrinks, 1450-1750 (pages 354-359) Part V: Industrialization and Western Global Hegemony, 1750-1914 (pages 520-525) Part VI: The 20th Century in World History (pages 650-657)

Part II Read Chapters 31, 32, 33 & 34 of World Civilizations: The Global Experience (6th edition), and using the HEADINGS AND SUBHEADINGS in each chapter, take notes/outline. PLEASE INCLUDE NOTES ON THE THINKING HISTORICALLY FOR EACH CHAPTER AS WELL.

Part III Define the following terms and include a sentence about their historical significance. DO NOT INCLUDE THE TERMS IN THE NOTES.

Then 51 terms are listed, I will spare you the details.

AP or Basic Studies, why do they have to do what looks like half of a semester's worth of work during the summer? I could rant on and on about all of these kids' summer trips, camps, work schedules which don't necessarily allow the time for cumbersome workloads, but that isn't even the point.

What about SUMMER BREAK?

These kids work hard all year long. They have the added pressure to keep up with their studies throughout Winter and Spring Breaks. I see many teenage clients on a regular basis due to anxiety and stress that they experience during the busy school year. I don't understand why they can't just get a rest during the summer.

Another rant I have which piggybacks on the Summer Assignment rant is that in May when SOL's (Standard of Learning Exams in the State of Virginia) are finished, the students spend many a class watching Finding Nemo and Shrek. I wish I were kidding; last spring my oldest son complained that he had to watch the same movie in two different classes on the same day. I wonder why the self-taught chapters that they are grinding through now can't somehow be taught in lieu of Disney movie week during the academic day in high school.

I feel badly about writing this negativity (and posting it) as we jump into the new school year. Facebook is covered with posts about new learning opportunities, excited kindergarteners and fresh beginnings. But, these summer assignments are a reality that are troublesome; how can these high schoolers feel any sense of excitement or positive energy about starting a new school year after spending the past several weeks with their heads in the books?

October 29, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Mother Daughter Group |1 Comment

We had our second Mother Daughter Group last night and it was really fantastic.  I was a bit worried that Hurricane Sandy was going to pre-empt our event, but I was pleasantly surprised that not only did Sandy  not interfere with our plans, but she also cancelled school for today so our evening was more relaxed and no one had to rush home to make lunches, do homework and get the girls to  bed.  (Then again, I do believe that I am probably the one that gets most anxious about Sunday  night events to which my friends will attest, but that is another post altogether).

Last night’s event took place at my house.  We had planned a Halloween gathering with costumes, crafts and spooky food.

The girls and  moms arrived in costumes with a great deal energy, carrying bags and platters and treats.  We began the evening in the basement with a craft I had found online from Martha Stewart.  I first had to explain to the girls who Martha is, and then proceeded to inform them that I am in no way, shape or form anywhere  similar to the insanely compulsive Queen of the Craft (although, I may beg to differ about the creator of the sweets pictured above).

Other than the glitter all over my basement for the next 6 years, and the gold speckled toilet that the girls decided to adorn while washing their hands, the sparkle pumpkins were a huge success.

Our next move was dinner.  I had grown tired of cardboard box pizza, so I whipped up some pasta and garlic bread while others contributed salad and sides.  The girls laughed and chatted away in the kitchen while the moms gathered in my dining room. At one point, the moms were laughing so hard that we were blatantly hushed by the girls.  I gather we are bonding quite well, but are not supposed to out-fun our 6th grade daughters.

After dinner we retreated back into the basement and gathered for some discussion.  Our jumping off point was to explain to the girls that traditional religious Jewish people don’t celebrate Halloween  (read here  for more information about the religious basis for depriving sheltering some religious Jewish kids from abundant Reeses and Three Musketeer Bars). We reminded the girls that had gone to Jewish pre-schools that they weren’t allowed to dress up for Halloween in pre-school, nor was there any mention of Halloween in the pre-school craft curriculum.

We then bridged the discussion to how the girls feel in December being the only (which they all seem to be) Jewish student in their secular school classes.  There was a lively discussion about what it is like to be unique or different amongst your classmates.  It was wonderful to see the girls sharing and participating where the month before their discussion had been a bit more guarded.  They all seemed engaged and interested in sharing and hearing what others had to say.

Dessert was next and then we finished up with one more craft.  The girls had all brought a black and white photo of themselves and proceeded to create these fun projects:

As they left and I did a bit of clean up (the glitter-mess still awaits me in the basement), I felt so  proud of the whole evening.  Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and have a nice time.  As the girls gathered up their costume remains and crafts, I heard them talking about what our plans will be for next month.  The sign of success!

Posted: September 24, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Here at the House of Laurie Levine LCSW, (also known as The Nut House), I am having a conundrum that doesn’t seem to have an easy answer. Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, which is the holiest day of the year for Jewish people all over the world is this Wednesday.  This being followed by Rosh Hashanah, the  Jewish New Year, last Monday.  Where I grew up in Boston, there isn’t (and wasn’t)  school on the Jewish High Holidays  nor is there school in many areas of   New York, New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania.

My kids have always taken the day off from school for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and worshipped and celebrated with the family.  Last week when one of my kids was in synagogue, he missed important things in school and fell a bit behind.   With his heavy academic load and increased extra-curriculae activities (read: sports) (also missed on the Jewish holidays) there is little time to lollygag and  spend time on extra homework due to missing school for religious reasons. Enter the conundrum: do I send this Jewish kid to school on Yom Kippur?

These thoughts bring to mind how all families struggle with merging their personal, cultural and familial beliefs with that of the “popular” outlook in our society.  How do we respect what is important to us as a family and try to instill it into our kids while also integrating them (and us) into the world in which we live?  This extends beyond culture and religion, many of us have personal morals and values that are different from those our neighbors.  Plenty of moms have had to put their Merrell wearing foot down  to high heels, hair dye and shorts riding up to the dark side when their child’s classmates are strutting it like Lady Gaga around the 5th grade halls. A player on my son’s soccer team doesn’t play on Sunday mornings so that their family can attend church.  I am sure that can’t be easy for him (especially because he is  goalie and they need him ), but I respect their desire to keep what is a priority for them sacred in spite of the soccer commissioner’s game scheduling duties.

I often think about the Muslim families in our community who work and play amongst us while keeping close to their traditions.   I have seen many young Muslim girls wearing a hijab  in our local high schools.  I have watched, with great respect,  these same girls playing sports in a hijab and altered uniforms to protect their modesty.  We have had two Muslim nannies for our children who have kindly made them  lunch and dinner during Ramadan while I was at work. (Yom Kippur is also a fasting day. We’ve got nothing to kvetch about when we think about our Muslim neighbors who fast daily for a month. I digress.)

I have worked with many families from other countries and helped them  try to integrate their cultural norms into those of our American society.  The hardest thing I have had to address was that of corporal punishment.  In many countries, spanking and beatings are the norm when disciplining children.  I have had to explain to angry parents where English is their second language that corporal punishment is not tolerated in our society;   Social Services can and will be called to their homes if their are bruises on their children.

I have also worked with families from other cultures that emphasize grades, particularly A‘s and only A‘s, so much so that their children have developed anxiety disorders.   Be it that these parents want better for their children than they had, or they come from a society where the A’s were beaten out of them also, it can cause great stress for their children.  I try to educate these parents about balance and joy; reminding them that their child’s health and well-being can be paramount to their success.  Having said that, I appreciate the disconnect.  These parents have been raised to believe that A’s (or corporal punishment) is the norm and the way to raise their children, who am I to alter that?

Back to my conundrum.  My matzah  balls for tonight’s meal are cooling on the stove.  We clearly are embracing our tradition and will be observing Yom Kippur tomorrow.  As for that one kid who may or may not go to school, I guess the  jury is still out.

For those of you that will be observing Yom Kippur, I wish you an easy fast and a Happy New Year.

Laurie

September 24, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Uncategorized | 6 Comments

I spent the morning at Einstein Bagels in Fairfax.  Had you come to the back of the restaurant, you would have seen the nook that we have begun to call our home on the last Monday of every month.  “We” are a group of therapists who meet to network, consult and generally shmooze over coffee and a bagel.  We are an informal branch of a wonderful group, DC Therapist Moms created by Jennifer Kogan, whose vision was to have a network of women who are raising children and building therapy practices.  Jen has done an amazing job in connecting us to one another. So amazing, in fact, that we formed our own little coffee klatsch on this side of the river.

I never know who will be there when I cross the border from Reston/Herndon all the way over to Fairfax, but I have never been disappointed.  Sometimes it is a handful of therapists; psychologists, social workers, marriage therapists and even psychiatrists have joined our midst.  One time it was just three of us and it afforded us the opportunity to have an intimate discussion about some particularly difficult cases.  Today there were ten therapists from the ranks of a sports psychologist, someone who focuses on chronic pain, an infertility specialist and some trauma workers.  There were also several couples therapists, women’s counselors, adolescent and adoption specialists and a mom of five returning to the work force.

We often start as a group, do introductions, and then for those who were late (I am telling you that road to Fairfax is LONG) do re-introductions.  A discussion always evolves from the introductions, often it is someone who is new to private practice (these women talked me off the ledge held my  hand when I was about to open my practice back in May) who is asking questions and trying to figure out how to make it all happen.  Today we were made aware that one of us is doing some good clinical work on her bike while someone else may have shared a therapeutic tip on the golf course.  We therapists are adaptable, if nothing else.

A big topic of discussion is technology.  There might be a therapist or two at our table that grew up in the 70’s and learned to use a typewriter rather than a keyboard.  We “mature” therapists are eager to learn from the young whippersnappers in the group about how to incorporate Facebook, Twitter or any of the newest and shiniest gadgets or websites into our practice.  (Note to self, someone mentioned Big Tent, must check it out and see if it will work for our group).

By the end of the meeting the ten of us had broken into three or four different conversations.  On my left, I was discussing raising teenagers while on my right, I was engaged with two young therapists who had toddlers at home! Across from me, I was eavesdropping on a conversation about how we can post information to each other, thus the Big Tent reminder and on the other end of the table there were two intense conversations that I missed altogether.

And, as usual, there are laughs.  How could a lively group of women sit around a table without a good belly laugh to remind us that it is this connection and sharing that keeps us going?

Posted: September 28, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Mother Daughter Group |2 Comments

Sometime last February, I learned of increased drama in my daughter’s 5th grade class. Girls were being left out, feelings were being hurt and self-confidence was plummeting. Although expected  in the pre-teen and teen world, it is still painful to witness. Around that time, a mom from the class posted a picture of her  daughter on Facebook. The comment accompanying the photo stated that her very feminine daughter was  hesitant to wear the skirt from the photo to school because she feared that her peers would make fun of her. I showed my daughter the picture and asked her what she thought. She said that the skirt was “really pretty” and she would “never” make fun of this classmate for wearing the skirt to school. I proceeded to share this with the mom and what ensued, with another mom pitching in, was how our daughters’ are not feeling comfortable or confident in their own skin.

About the same time I had joined the DCTherapistmoms group. I was privy to a wealth of information from the members about their practices, therapeutic interventions and resources around the DC area. I posted on the listserve requesting ideas for boosting girls’ self-esteem; I was particularly asking for books, but open to anything.

I received lovely feedback from Karen Schachter. Karen is therapist who specializes in working with girls, healthy body image and food issues, and has been a great resource for me.  We spoke one afternoon and I voraciously took notes on all that she had to offer. Karen shared ways that she works with this population, workshops she had led and ways to approach both my daughter, her peers and their parents. (A disclosure: most of my clinical work is with older adolescents and not this age group, but truth be told, no matter how old the child is, when it  lives in MY house, I am a floundering mom and always seek advice and support from those that are NOT me). Speaking to Karen was incredibly helpful and I am so grateful for her time and expertise. Karen also planted a seed in my head about a group for mothers and their daughters.

A month or so later, I began googling “Mother Daughter Groups”. I found The Mother Daughter Project , became engrossed in the website and within minutes had ordered the book. Their story reads:

In 1997, a group of mothers of young girls… gathered to address the challenges of mothering adolescent daughters in today’s world. … We were determined to come up with a plan that would enable our girls to thrive through adolescence, that would help us to remain close and connected with them, and that would support us as mothers and as women. The Mother Daughter Project Website

The book is based on these women’s experiences of their group with their daughters.  It  discusses adolescent development, aspects of their specific group and provides a guide to starting a group of your own.

I approached the mom’s at our synagogue whose daughters are part of my daughter’s Hebrew School class and piqued their interest about forming a Mother Daughter Group. These girls do not attend secular school together, they are not in each other’s cliques nor are they caught up in the drama of the every day minutiae at school. The model suggested getting away from the school friends and I found this to be a fitting population from which to form our group. These girls only see one another twice a week for a few hours. I also thought that we could incorporate Judaism into the group, which is absent for these girls in their public school environments.

Twice during the summer the interested moms gathered over coffee to plan our group. I only knew a few of them prior to our first meeting, but already am building bonds and nurturing friendships with these women. We made introductions, talked about our daughters and our goals for the group. We also planned out several of the first few monthly meetings.

Last Sunday night we had our first meeting. Eight moms and their daughters met at one person’s home. We gathered in their beautiful living room with just the right lighting and ambience for this special group of women and daughters to begin their journey. The sixteen of us sat in a circle, some on cushy sofas, some on the floor, two girls huddled together on an ottoman and the group came alive.

We began by playing a name game.  A few moms then presented our vision of the group to the girls. We talked about rules, respect and confidentiality. We asked the girls if they had suggestions and they eagerly offered up ideas from having participated in Girls Scouts, Girls on the Run or at camps. We suggested they think about a name for their group while we enjoyed a dinner of pizza and potluck appetizers. The girls were seated at a table in a room separate from the moms. We heard  laughter and chatter coming from the other room; fun and connection  was in the works.

Next on the agenda was for the girls to make cupcakes. The controlling person that I am wanted to assist the process. My new mom friends gently pulled me  out of the kitchen  to allow the  girls to work it out themselves. And, they did. They made great cupcakes and had some time to let loose in the basement. When it was time to go, they had decided on a name for their group: The Girly Gangsters and posed for a group picture true to their name.